Well, well, well, it's been awhile hasn't it? Have I got a good one for you today, it's serious blog post time:
I am not a Christian. I was raised Catholic/Lutheran so that is probably why I am not a Christian. I have some very interesting beliefs about the divine that are not the subject of this blog post but that I'll be happy to articulate at a later date if you want. My point being, one of the few biblical things I truly took to heart is Luke 6:31 - "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." I've done my best to live that way, extending the best I can to others in hopes that it'll come back my way. I always complain that it doesn't, but now that I think about it... maybe it has, and I'm just not accepting it? Why? pride.
For the benefit of those of you at home who have not been paying attention or are just checking in I was born into poverty to a single mother on welfare and spent most of my formative years moving from place to place none of them particularly idyllic. Like most young women from bad backgrounds I began to show behavioral problems and it was determined by the powers that be in very official looking documents that I would never function in the real world. When I was 18, some of these lovely documents were released to me. I read them, and then burned them. I decided I would prove the experts wrong, and thus a story was born. It's a dog eat dog world in the bottom of the barrel, its difficult to reach your hand out towards anyone because they will take you for everything you have and leave you in the gutter. You get used to the idea that the only person you can really rely on is yourself. After years of being bilked and taken advantage of you become suspicious of any and all offers of help or assistance, especially those that seem too good to be true. It is easy to grow cynical and bitter, and I did.
I did get a lot of help, I learned to trust people but I've always been cautious as I've been screwed over pretty hard in my life. When your position in life is this vulnerable you really cannot afford even the subtlest setback. They can knock you all the way back down again. I would like to say that a lot of my accomplishments were gained through preservation or being bigger, badder, brighter than everyone else. But, actually, a huge quantity of them were truly just dumb luck. Being at the right place at the right time and getting in just under the buzzer. Perhaps if there is a deity it is watching over me, ha. My point, oh patient reader, is that contrary to popular belief not every scrappy clever white trash girl gets a brilliant middle class fella to swoop in and make everything better. So, maybe that's why I ran. Maybe that's why I still fight it to this day.
The conservatives spread this rubbish about how a poor kid should be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and I've made every effort to do so. The long and the short of it is, if I let a white knight come sweep me up now everything I've ever done is for naught. That's how I feel about it anyway, I feel this is something that I have to finish on my own, for my sake. Because so many other poor girls before me finished it on their own and I owe it to them, and to myself, to come out with dirt under my fingernails.
The deficit is effecting me personally, the budget has been adjusted, Pell Grants and Subsidized Loans have been scaled back. I cannot afford to stay at the college over summer while taking summer classes and still be able to afford classes in Fall because of assistance limits. This summer, I will be living in my car on campus. It's time to pay my dues.
I have made my choice. I pray one day I am worthy of getting back all that I have given but I didn't do it to get it back. I did it because it needed to be done, because it was the right thing to do. If anyone has a place near the University of Akron who will let me sleep on a floor for free as I have let so many others do at my place I will accept the offer. But I will take no money.
Do unto others...