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Vespered Sacrifice...

Your daily recommended dose of ellipses...

1/15/13 09:01 am - I suck.

I fucked up in a big way, lost two very dear internet friends to my stupid actions and got myself exiled from a fun-ish community. I'll probably never hear from those people again, I regret their loss every day. Wishing I could take it all back, but I can't. Have to live with the shame, kicking myself forever. Nobody's fault but my own.

Also, lots of family drama, my stars! I don't even want to post about it because it's a Big Fucking Deal.

But what I can and will say is this: Once upon a time my mom once had me put in jail, and it sucked. Now my mom is in jail and it's just kind of weird. There were times I wished she'd go through what she put me through. Now she is and I'm very torn. Do I feel smug about it? Have I found my vindication? Truth is, I feel nothing.

I'm still alive, by the way, I'm sure you're all surprised. (Who am I kidding, no one reads this.)

I probably will not update this much ever anymore.

2/13/12 01:01 pm - Yup.

I'm still alive, there's been a lot going on and I'll edit and update this post later to reflect that.
I went through a lot of my journal and tried to add the poem and poetry tags to all my poems, but got lazy.

I think the poetry tag may be the ideal tag for finding most of the poems.

Anyway, some time ago I posted up a poem here titled: Worn.
I can't find it, but I've updated it.

I challenge the way color fades
From much loved things
As you rub away their vibrancy
With all your warm affection.
I question the way
You wear holes into the fabric
That you put upon you day after day.
That the message is
That the fate of all loved things
No matter how precious
Is to be worried away
By time and admiration?
That we would go through our lives
Destroying those things we treasure.

Worn 2.0
I challenge the way color fades
from much loved things
and question the why of
holes worn into fabric
of something so noble as simple affection
siphoning away vibrancy.
is the message truly
that the fate of all loved things
no matter how precious
is to be worried away
by time and admiration?
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9/11/11 02:19 pm - I really should be more consistant.

I once made a metaphor to my niece, I told her we were going to skullfuck the world. It was my usual way of saying things. She and I have come to realize that life skullfucks you back. Lately, I have been getting skullfucked so hard. Every week its been some new crisis. This weeks its apartment shenanigans and my car is leaking power steering fluid.

At this point, I'm so tired of it, I am not even upset.
But I do need to stop spending money I don't have.

Regardless, bring it on life.

9/9/11 01:14 am - I am alive.

Hey worried blog-hunters.
I'm still alive, I've started college and I'm trying to claw out some time to post up more STUPID VIDEOS to prove my existence.

I'm fine, lots of stress, and life is just full of ups and downs but I truck on.

I'm going to bed noooow.

8/26/11 12:09 pm - My life, so hard.

For those in the know, I'm currently going to college at the University of Akron, majoring in Psychology. If all things go according to plan, I'm about a year out (I hope... it's looking less like that now.) Well, Republicans are in charge and they've taken a cleaver to financial aid federally and state-wide.

Now I cannot finish college with just the financial aid available to me. I owe these fuckers almost $5,000 and I'll owe more next semester. It is a LOT of fucking money and I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay anyone back. I feel dishonored. I feel like a parasite.

If I can pull it off, I'll graduate in May of 2012, but, it's looking more unlikely and I may require another semester after that.

This is what I get for pulling on my bootstraps.

7/7/11 02:18 pm - Super bloggy.

There are bloggers out there who suddenly get very famous because they come up with really clever new words to define an internet culture. I would like to introduce you all to my two new words. Firstly, the httpster. pretty self explanatory, the httpster is the self-important Blogger With A Cause (or BWAC*, which is word two) who fills up the internet with what they believe is deep philosophical stuff and nobody cares. Lets see if I get e-famous.

Speaking of httpsters, I am feeling super bloggy today. It means I really feel passionate, like I need to write some huge thoughtful poignant existential or philosophical shit. I think to myself, gee, do I really want to inflict that on the few individuals that actually look at this blog?

I mean really, just disregard this entirely if you cannot be fucked with this level of httpster shit.Collapse )

*pronounced bawh kh, like a chicken.

7/4/11 10:01 pm - Fucking promises.

Hello, everything is going smoothly. I hope you are all doing wonderfully.


I once accepted a life alone
But thought often of the time we spent
You accepted the anguishes to which I'm prone.
And I embraced your sweet sentiment.

Do I hold regrets? Of course I do
You are so above my station.
And every moment spent with you.
Reminds me of my situation.

I fought and suffered much for this
Too proud to quit before I'm done
A life with you I'd surely miss
It's how I know that you're the one.

Perhaps time spent will change my mind
For now I'll practice being kind.
Tags: , ,

5/1/11 06:51 pm - Do Unto Others.

Well, well, well, it's been awhile hasn't it? Have I got a good one for you today, it's serious blog post time:

I am not a Christian. I was raised Catholic/Lutheran so that is probably why I am not a Christian. I have some very interesting beliefs about the divine that are not the subject of this blog post but that I'll be happy to articulate at a later date if you want. My point being, one of the few biblical things I truly took to heart is Luke 6:31 - "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." I've done my best to live that way, extending the best I can to others in hopes that it'll come back my way. I always complain that it doesn't, but now that I think about it... maybe it has, and I'm just not accepting it? Why? pride.

For the benefit of those of you at home who have not been paying attention or are just checking in I was born into poverty to a single mother on welfare and spent most of my formative years moving from place to place none of them particularly idyllic. Like most young women from bad backgrounds I began to show behavioral problems and it was determined by the powers that be in very official looking documents that I would never function in the real world. When I was 18, some of these lovely documents were released to me. I read them, and then burned them. I decided I would prove the experts wrong, and thus a story was born. It's a dog eat dog world in the bottom of the barrel, its difficult to reach your hand out towards anyone because they will take you for everything you have and leave you in the gutter. You get used to the idea that the only person you can really rely on is yourself. After years of being bilked and taken advantage of you become suspicious of any and all offers of help or assistance, especially those that seem too good to be true. It is easy to grow cynical and bitter, and I did.

I did get a lot of help, I learned to trust people but I've always been cautious as I've been screwed over pretty hard in my life. When your position in life is this vulnerable you really cannot afford even the subtlest setback. They can knock you all the way back down again. I would like to say that a lot of my accomplishments were gained through preservation or being bigger, badder, brighter than everyone else. But, actually, a huge quantity of them were truly just dumb luck. Being at the right place at the right time and getting in just under the buzzer. Perhaps if there is a deity it is watching over me, ha. My point, oh patient reader, is that contrary to popular belief not every scrappy clever white trash girl gets a brilliant middle class fella to swoop in and make everything better. So, maybe that's why I ran. Maybe that's why I still fight it to this day.

The conservatives spread this rubbish about how a poor kid should be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and I've made every effort to do so. The long and the short of it is, if I let a white knight come sweep me up now everything I've ever done is for naught. That's how I feel about it anyway, I feel this is something that I have to finish on my own, for my sake. Because so many other poor girls before me finished it on their own and I owe it to them, and to myself, to come out with dirt under my fingernails.

The deficit is effecting me personally, the budget has been adjusted, Pell Grants and Subsidized Loans have been scaled back. I cannot afford to stay at the college over summer while taking summer classes and still be able to afford classes in Fall because of assistance limits. This summer, I will be living in my car on campus. It's time to pay my dues.

I have made my choice. I pray one day I am worthy of getting back all that I have given but I didn't do it to get it back. I did it because it needed to be done, because it was the right thing to do. If anyone has a place near the University of Akron who will let me sleep on a floor for free as I have let so many others do at my place I will accept the offer. But I will take no money.

Do unto others...

4/19/11 05:50 am - In my head.

I woke up with a bunch of poems in my head, so lets vomit those out and see if I can get back to sleep.

There's a world out there, it waits for you.
Maybe we can't take everything we packed into it
But how can that stop us from going?
In a way, I blame myself.
For I marked out a path for you
In bright vibrant colors
That you would walk in my shadow
And know where not to step.
Could I have ever protected you
From time and change itself?
Perhaps I was destined to fail you.
But I will walk with you, as I always have.
-Cathree, 2011

I still taste in my mouth
The bitter morning breath
And in the corner of my eyes
Thick crusts, that adhere to my eyelashes.
I am not a creature of beauty
Yet I am ceaselessly amazed
At my ability to rise every day
Like clockwork
And go about my schedule
Completely unfettered by hygiene.
-Dressing Down, 2011

We could build a life of matchsticks.
It would smell as if it was ready for fire
It would remind us of all those burning things
We could never do together
Because I cannot ignite.
Do I regret my lack of energy?
That inability to burst and combust?
Here in my dark box
I remember only
Desperately scratching my face on the surface
Praying to burn.
-In vain, 2011

When the wind howls just right.
I can hear a voice in it, shrieking
Cutting across the landscape
All can hear its cry
Miles away it has died down
And none have known its fury or message
But I still hear its scream
And smell it in the crisp air
How empty my ears would have been
To not have heard its message.
-Woosh, 2011

I challenge the way color fades
From much loved things
As you rub away their vibrancy
With all your warm affection.
I question the way
You wear holes into the fabric
That you put upon you day after day.
That the message is
That the fate of all loved things
No matter how precious
Is to be worried away
By time and admiration?
That we would go through our lives
Destroying those things we treasure.
-Worn, 2011

There is no warmth in the air,
No crisp kiss of spring.
I hear no birdsong, no buzz of insects.
Dreary grey skies and muddled cloudy horizons.
With only desperate shafts of strangled sunlight
But the briefest fleck of illumination
All too easy to forget.
And we go along another day,
disregarding hope.
-Ebbs, 2011

None of these are good, so why are they springing up in my head?
I guess I should be glad for their coming, as I have written little poetry.
Tags: ,

4/7/11 11:46 am - Fuah...

This constant dreary, wet, cold, and glum weather when it should be warming and brightening up is absolutely exhausting me. I'm struggling to find the desire to do anything, more and more, I'm having to force myself to do even the simplest thing. Any and all amount of effort is a constant fight.

I just want to be done with school, I'm so close.
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